The Upper Hand
by HungLikeARainbro
Summary: Cartman has an embarrassing emergency and as usual expects Kyle to 'lend him a hand'. Well it's not like it's the first time he's been down there...


Kyle buried his nose in his hands to keep it warm as he raced towards his friend's house. He'd managed to haul on his boots rather than sneakers and he was thoroughly relieved as he squelched through the snow-turned-slush from rare afternoon rain. But he had forgotten his coat and it was a good thing Cartman only lived down the street.

He thought back to the panicked call he received a few minutes ago. "Kyaaaahhhhllll!" he heard Cartman whine through the earpiece. "You have to come over – it's an emergency!"

He'd been genuinely worried for a moment. "Are you hurt? What happened?"

"I can't tell you over the phone. Just come over."

Alarm bells rang in Kyle's head. He half expected Cartman's emergency to be that he ran out of Cheesy Poofs and didn't want to go to the store. "I'm not moving until you tell me. I finally got into the zone with my essay and I'm not stopping without a good reason."

There was an unhappy grunt, then silence.

"Cartman?"

"Okay I admit it, I hurt myself."

"You can't call an ambulance?"

"I'm not wasting good money. Besides it's not an emergency in that sense. I'm not going to bleed out or anything."

"Well…"

"Help me, Jewbi-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."

Slightly amused, Kyle gave in, and that was how he found himself stood in front of Cartman's door and soaked by sleet. His hand had barely touched the knocker when Cartman, dressed only in his bathrobe, threw it open and dragged him inside.

He grabbed Kyle's frozen fingers and scrutinised them carefully. "Yes, I knew it! You have tiny girly hands."

"I fucking don't!" Kyle barked and snatched them back, stuffing them under his armpits for warmth. "You just think that because in comparison you have ten sausages glued to hamburger patties."

"Fine, I'm sorry I made fun of your china-doll hands." Cartman grinned, grabbing Kyle's elbow and escorting him towards the stairs. "Let's get on with it."

"Wait, hold up," Kyle said, stopping short of the first step. "You still haven't told me what's wrong. And I'm warning you, Cartman – it better be good."

"Once we get upstairs all will become clear."

Kyle had a feeling he was walking into a trap but curiosity always got the better of him, especially when it came to Cartman's antics. He relented and followed him into the bathroom, noticing his strange gait almost immediately. "You hurt your leg or something?" Kyle asked.

Cartman locked the door. "My legs are fine. It's uh… somewhere a little higher that's giving me grief."

Kyle looked around the bathroom. There was a large plastic bowl, probably from the kitchen and intended for mixing batter, but it was currently holding a couple of large marbles in murky water. The bath had a shallow pool of its own and one marble. A bottle of lubricant and a used enema kit was what helped Kyle put the scenario together. "Please tell me you didn't."

"I didn't have any anal beads so I improvised," he mumbled sheepishly. "They went in okay but now I can't get them out. I can't bend around enough. I tried lying on the bed, sat in the bath…"

Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose. "You dumbass, this is why anal beads are joined together and have a safety ring."

"They do?"

"Haven't you even _seen_ a picture of anal beads?"

Cartman shrugged.

"Jesus Christ, Cartman." No wonder he was walking so awkwardly. Kyle sat on the edge of the bath. "You better not be asking me to do what I think you're asking me to do."

"Please Kahl! I called Kenny because he's tiny too but he wouldn't stop laughing. I was being serious when I said you were my only hope."

"Okay for one thing, I am not tiny. I'm taller than you. I'm just half your weight."

Cartman scowled but let him continue saying his piece.

"And also, I'm kind of offended that I was second on your list."

"Gee, I'm sorry Kahl, I'll make sure that from now on whenever I want a hand up my ass I'll call you first."

"Well, when you put it like that…" Kyle sighed. "You make it sound like I'm looking forward to it."

"Aren't you?" Cartman said with a grin.

"I haven't actually agreed to anything. Why didn't you just go to the emergency room?"

"No fucking way, this is the kind of thing the medical staff write in to Cracked." Cartman shuffled his feet. "Anyway I can't really afford it."

"If you can't afford your hospital bills, maybe don't do stupid dangerous shit in the first place," Kyle muttered. Suitably chastised but still giving him hopeful little glances, Cartman won him over. He stood at the sink when Kyle gestured for him to do so whilst he put the bowl on the floor. "I'll do it but only if you tell NO-ONE."

"Oh yeah, sure Kyle," Cartman grumbled as he gripped the basin, "cause you're the one that comes off worse in this."

Kyle snapped at him to hike up his robe. "I don't suppose you've got any gloves?" he asked as an afterthought.

"Sorry babe," Cartman said with a gleeful wiggle of his hips. "You're gonna have to bareback it. But don't worry; as you can see I am all squeaky-clean down there."

Kyle hadn't planned on looking that closely and was going to let his fingers do the walking but he realised that wouldn't be prudent. "It's not just about shit. It's about STIs. Fuck knows where you've been. Just hold your ass apart and let's get this over with. And I swear to God if you fart on me…"

"That's not fair! You're probing my butt. It's bound to happen."

"Fine, but if I suspect it's deliberate I am out of here."

Cartman looked over his shoulder, batting his eyelashes becomingly. "I pwomise."

Kyle lubed up his fingers, wondering how and why the Hell he ended up in situations like this. It was something Cartman did to him over and over no matter how level-headed he was in every other aspect of his life. Somehow, in Cartman's presence, under Cartman's influence, the river of sanity dried up and left a bed of bare rock.

Cartman jerked forward. "What the HELL! That hurts!"

"I'm extracting foreign bodies, not making love to you, Cartman."

"Ever heard of a bedside manner, Mr. Future Jew Doctor?"

"Fine, I'll try to be more careful." Kyle found three marbles easily and shucked them out like little blue pearls amidst Cartman's swearing. "You really are immaculate down here. Did you get fucked by Mr. Clean or something?"

"Haw haw. Everyone knows he's asexual like you, Kahl."

Kyle ignored him and flicked out another marble. If anything, this would be good practice if he did decided to go into medicine. "How many am I looking for?"

"Let's see…" Cartman counted in his head by moving his lips mutely. "Should be ten left."

"Jesus." Kyle muttered. "But seriously dude, what were you thinking?"

"I was trying to get my rocks off, Kahl. Some of us need more than a picture of the periodic table to make us spurt." He looked back at him over his shoulder. "Or is it the ass thing that makes you uncomfortable?"

"Not as uncomfortable as you," Kyle grinned as he deliberately dug too hard.

"I… will… kill you… Jew."

He found a fifth marble. "Anyway, it's pretty obvious to everyone by now that you're obsessed with butt stuff. Satellites, theme parks, my hand a few times now… I think you've had everything up there but the kitchen sink."

"Nuh-uh, not dicks. I'm not a fag after all."

"Okay, everything but a dick."

There was an awkward silence as Kyle continued his work until in an uncharacteristically timid voice Cartman asked, "It's not weird right? For a straight guy. Kenny does butt stuff."

"Kenny does _everything_. You can't compare yourself with Kenny." Kyle sighed. He knew what Cartman was asking. What he wanted to hear. "If it makes you feel better, I finger myself when I jerk off sometimes."

Cartman inclined his head slightly, interest rising. "How many fingers?"

"Three – hey, that's none of your business!" Kyle seethed. Though he noticed Cartman's ass took three of his fingers easily. Maybe because they were slimmer. He wasn't surprised Cartman couldn't get the marbles out by himself with such thick digits. Though for ass play… they were probably a lot of fun.

Kyle really shouldn't be thinking about a theoretical situation in which Cartman's fingers were in his ass. He had to concentrate on the real one he was going through right now where _his_ fingers were in C _artman's_ ass. They were starting to feel a little tacky and he slipped them out to top up the lubricant. He watched the ring of muscle desperately chase after them with a little shiver of satisfaction.

"How many left?" Cartman asked with an anticipatory tremor to his voice. Kyle tilted his head at the clear thread of liquid that fell between Cartman's legs. Kyle shivered again. Cartman's cock was leaking precome. He was actually turned on by this.

Kyle's eyes flicked over to Cartman's phone. If he was a betting man, he'd put his entire college fund down on there being absolutely no calls to Kenny today. He'd bet that Cartman, bored and frustrated that he'd been dumped yet again when a girl had figured him out, had decided to shake things up a little. He'd bet that this was Cartman's not so very subtle way of flirting with him.

 _Everything but a dick, huh?_ Kyle could change that easily. He removed the final three marbles. "Just one left I think, Cartman," he lied as he got up behind him. "But I'm gonna need a little more leverage so I can go deeper."

Cartman looked at him from the mirror, eyebrow raised curiously. Kyle leaned over his back, head bowed so he couldn't see his grinning face and thrust four fingers inside him. Cartman rocked back, a moan melting in his throat when Kyle wrapped his other hand around his neck. At the sound of Kyle clicking open his belt Cartman's eyes darkened but otherwise his expression didn't shift.

Kyle knew he shouldn't indulge Cartman's deception but was a trick still a trick if Kyle knew it was one? And shouldn't he feel a little bad about taking advantage of a half-naked and horny Cartman even if he had invited the situation?

 _Nah._

Kyle rearranged his fingers so they could all slip inside and he finally met a little resistance at the knuckles. Cartman hadn't been training his ass recently and it was disappointingly out of practice. There was a fierce hiss as he let out a long-held breath when the girth of Kyle's hand breached him. "Hard part's over," Kyle soothingly whispered in his ear, returning his left hand to his throat, clenching his other hand and twisting it inside as his cock rubbed up against the back of Cartman's thigh.

Cartman's knees buckled. "Fuck me…"

"So impatient, Eric."

"It wasn't a suggestion."

"Sure about that?" Kyle felt the Adam's apple under his other hand rise up and down. He moved it down to Cartman's dripping dick instead. He trembled at the relief and denial of the glorious sensation of one of Kyle's fists around his cock and the other fucking his ass deeper. Kyle's hand slipped out to make way for his dick and they moved together for as long as their bodies could hold out. Kyle stuttered as Cartman came and tightened around his cock and he was milked empty by the spasms, his come oozing readily from the loose hole. "Fuck dude," he gasped. "You nearly ripped my dick off."

"I thought… that only happened in… porn…" Cartman groaned.

"Ripping dicks off?"

"No, coming together."

"Sometimes it's skill," Kyle sighed wetly into his robe. "Sometimes it's a good old-fashioned accident." He stood up and shyly wiped himself down with a nearby hand towel.

"Accident…" Cartman echoed, righting himself slightly but staying hunched over the basin.

"You okay?"

Cartman let out a haughty snort of laughter. "Pfft, totally fine Jew. I'm not a pussy."

Kyle rolled his eyes and made himself presentable again before heading for the exit. "You know… if you needed a fuck, Cartman, all you had to do was ask."

"Like I'd ever ask for a fuck from you, Kahl."

"Just remember," said Kyle as he unlocked the door and walked out of the bathroom, smirking over his shoulder at Cartman's still bedraggled form as the remnants of his come meandered down the back of his legs, "next time I better be the first person you call."

Cartman smirked back from the mirror. He couldn't wait to see Kyle's face on his birthday when he opened up the Chinese checkers set he bought him.


End file.
